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5 Things That Happen In Movie Sex Scenes That Don’t Happen In Real Life

dakota-johnson-50-shades

dakota-johnson-50-shades

It’s plain and simple, like Mitch in City Slickers said, “Women need a reason to have sex.  Men just need a place”.  We all watch movies and we all have the “Awww I want that” thought, but wake up ladies! The day a sexy hot billionaire, eyeing you in a club, and then whisking you away in his private helicopter are about as likely to happen as seeing a unicorn fly and pee glitter!  Here are five things that happen in movie sex scenes that, unfortunately, just don’t happen in real life:

1)       You wake up with your make up still looking flawless – sike!  You know we all wake up after a night of dancing with mascara and eyeliner under the eyes, our breath smelling like tequila shots, and uh…  chances are “that guy” just might not be as good looking as he was with your drunk eyes in dark club.

2)       It gets so intense that he rips your clothes off – false!  I’m sorry, but if a man rips my favorite top or pencil skirt I’d be sending him an invoice the morning after!  Don’t rip my clothes! Unless of course, you’re Mr. Grey!

3)       The sheet is covering all the right places – yeah right!  You know, it’s just over his legs, but showing off his nice firm butt, and covers your nipples just slightly to give him a tease?  You know right??  No.  The sheet is always in the wrong place. It’s wedged between your legs where he should be or gets tangled when you’re trying to change positions and your foot gets stuck – yeah, that’s the sheet I know.

4)       The romantic caressing and cuddling after awesome sex – haha!  If he doesn’t cum and pass out or go off and start playing Call of Duty you’ve got a charmer lady!  No man “just cuddles” any more… and ladies, we’re guilty too, of just rolling over and tweeting about “this guy” before we even put our panties back on.  #bringbackcuddling

5)       Awesome first thing in the morning sex with the sun beaming through the shades – huh? This does not happen, especially if you have kids!  First thing in the morning are all you girl. Getting the kids ready for school, packing lunches, or taking 45 minutes to blow dry your hair before work.  Or, if you’re like me – part of the 5amclub you’re already in the gym doing squats before he wakes up. Nope – ain’t nobody got time for that!

 

 

Naked Man Running Caption This

Naked Man Running

Caption This

Naked Man Running

Caption This Naked Man Running

5 of the Weirdest Sex Positions

New and different sex positions don’t have to be a joke among your friends, but it’s way more hilarious if they are. Just practice a little common sense and you can take full advantage of some “weird” positions that turn out to be delightful variations on your routine. Or you might just cause serious bodily harm to each other. The choice is yours! Don’t say you were not warned.

The Kitchen Sink

Yes, you can have everything the weird reaches your sexual desire can fathom, including the kitchen sink. Shift her rump into the sink so she’s balancing on the ledge. Extra ‘Weird’ points for stacking up Hungry Man TV dinners for height, and creative use of the faucet spray wand. Points are deducted if she lands in last week’s lasagna dishes.

The Harness

Hope you got your knot-tying badge in Boy Scouts. It only takes a length of sturdy rope and your bedroom door to build a stationary sex swing. Loop the two upper corners of the door and then create a harness for her legs. Double points for any knots a seaman would be proud of; points deducted for closing the door and forgetting to take her down when you’re finished.

The Reverse Chicken Fight

This one requires four bodies, and one body of water. If you’ve ever played chicken at the beach, you know how this works — the girls are just backwards. This configuration (guys back to back) also has the added benefit of avoiding the dreaded, accidental sword fight. She will thank you later.

The Slinky

You’re going to get stares (actual stares) if you ever tell anyone you tried this. Start out 69ing on the top of the staircase — it’s much easier if they’re carpeted. Then flip positions on each other as you inevitably slide down the stairs mimicking, you guessed it, a Slinky. Extra points for backbends or handstands without a trip to the emergency room; points deducted for rug burns.

The Double Axel Lasso Lift

Starting face to face and then lifting her above your head, balance her on her palms with your arms extended upward while spinning in a counter-clockwise direction. Extra points for any change of position during the lift, clockwise and counter-clockwise rotation reverses, turning a carry lift into a rotational lift, and a release to one hand during dismount. Points deducted for briefly considering trying it while furrowing one’s brow, and opting instead for the missionary position.

Mr. Bean’s Daughter – What????

Yes . Please.